A semi-clandestine guide to summoning a white, pulsating creature on your kitchen table. Not recommended for normal people.
by Professor Viscidus Von Maizium – Department of Non-Lethal and Distractive Experiments at the Bureau of Irresistible Threats
NOTE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF IRONIC SAFETY
This article is a parody inspired by the cult horror film The Stuff (1985). No actual alien desserts were summoned (as far as we know).
What follows is a funny science experiment using non-Newtonian fluids, subwoofers, and questionable judgment. Do not eat it. Just… admire it.
"Everyone eats the Stuff. Then the Stuff… eats them.
But relax, mine doesn’t kill. At worst, it stains."
Chapter I – Genesis of the Goo
Back in 1985, while Reagan and capitalism battled for American souls, a white, creamy substance took over the world: The Stuff, the most lethal alien dessert ever marketed.
Today, dear reader, you too shall recreate it in your kitchen.
Don’t worry: this version is more starch than spawn, more science than stupidity (probably).
Ingredients (to summon the dancing dessert)
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Cornstarch (also known as Maizium Primordialis)
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Water (rainwater preferred, but tap will do. No virgin’s blood.)
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White food coloring (optional – purely for cosmic effect)
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A subwoofer (or any speaker that shakes the fabric of space-time)
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Transparent container (to study it. Or imprison it.)
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Optional: purple lights and artificial fog. For theatrical excess.
Procedure (Classified, SugarAlpha Level 3)
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Slowly mix the cornstarch with water until you get a creamy substance that resists pressure but flows like a liquid.
If it doesn’t “blob blob” when tapped, you’ve summoned the wrong dimension. -
Add white food coloring to give it that radioactive, alien dessert look.
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Pour it into a container placed on top of a subwoofer or vibrating membrane (aim for 30–60 Hz bass frequencies).
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Turn up the volume. Watch. Observe. Try not to call NASA.
What Happens Next?
The dancing dessert begins to wiggle, pulse, twitch, and contort.
It appears to be alive. It wants to escape the container. It wants to… communicate.
But don’t worry—as long as you don’t eat it, you should be safe.
Should be.
Warnings from the Ministry of Mental Health
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Do NOT ingest The Stuff, no matter how tasty it looks. It’s not.
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Do NOT leave it unattended with pets or idiotic cousins.
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If it starts speaking… turn off the subwoofer. Or call your mother.
Why It Works
This delightful horror is actually a non-Newtonian fluid experiment.
Oobleck, as it’s called, is a mixture that behaves like a solid under pressure and a liquid at rest.
Add bass frequencies, and chaos is served.
Keywords: oobleck experiment, non-Newtonian fluid, dancing dessert
In Conclusion…
You’ve just created a controlled version of The Stuff.
Do you feel powerful? Slightly unhinged? Curious? Welcome to the club.
And remember: the real threat isn’t The Stuff.
It’s the marketing.
Next experiment: a beverage that whispers “conquer the world” every time you open it. Ahahahahah !!!!!
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