The Perfect Recipe to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

Spoiler: it doesn’t involve baking at 350°F or using your empathy.

Ingredients:

• 1 backpack (the one from middle school, now full of trauma)
• 3 cans of beans (brand optional, but avoid curry unless you want enemies)
• 2 liters of water (no fizzy stuff, no tears)
• 1 sharp machete (or a vintage iron if you're creative)
• 1 pair of running shoes (they won't help much)
• 1 slow friend (crucial: slower than you)

Phase 1 – Mental Preparation

You just watched your neighbor eat Mrs. Hirma’s poodle. Time to accept that Black Friday is over, and it’s clearance season on humanity. Breathe. Open that bottle of wine you saved for a special occasion. This is it.

Pro Tip: Don’t try to convince anyone. If your aunt thinks zombies are a government hoax, leave her with her homemade pickles. She’ll be a starter course.

Phase 2 – Menu Selection: Survival Gourmet

The zombie apocalypse survival diet is basic: proteins, carbs, and stuff that doesn’t require cooking or a fridge.

Today’s Menu:

• Breakfast: an old energy bar from your ex’s gym bag
• Lunch: cold beans with a spoon stolen from a fast food
• Dinner: nothing. You’re on the run.

If you find an untouched supermarket, remember:
Don’t go for the Nutella. Everyone wants the Nutella. You will die for the Nutella.

Phase 3 – Active Brain = Uneaten Brain

The real enemy isn’t the zombie. It’s human stupidity under pressure.

• Don’t light fires at night “to feel warm inside”
• Don’t sing motivational songs in the woods
• Don’t explore abandoned hospitals “because they look cool”

Rule of thumb: If it seems like a bad idea in a horror movie, it’s a bad idea in real life.

Phase 4 – Survival Groups: Choose Non-Irritating Allies

Every survival group includes:

• A charismatic but borderline psychotic leader
• A traumatized kid who’s a slingshot ninja
• A badass girl who starts every sentence with “There’s no time!”

You? Be the shady genius with weird solutions.
Think MacGyver—but paranoid.

Phase 5 – When All Else Fails... Pretend You’re One of Them

Surrounded and hopeless? Time for Plan Z: Zombie-Camouflage.

• Rub some decorative intestines on yourself
• Drag your feet like you ran a marathon drunk
• Make guttural noises like “uurgh… bllarrg…”

It almost never works. But hey, better pretending than being the entrée.

The Secret Is Having No Secrets

Surviving a zombie apocalypse isn’t about strength or brains. It’s performance art, philosophy, and a bit of strategic selfishness.

Be flexible enough to run, cynical enough to say no, and ironic enough to laugh while the world burns.

So remember: always carry a knife, a sense of humor, and zero desire to be humanity’s savior.

Because honestly…
if humanity ended up like this, maybe it wasn’t worth saving.